Wednesday, September 21, 2011

2 years ago tonight, we had such a great night, do you remember? We actually cuddled on the couch and held hands and I played with your hair, even after I made those horrible fish sticks for dinner. That still haunts me. It was so not an ordinary night for us and I'm so grateful. One of the most important tender mercies I was given. Me and Hallie and Logan went up to your grave tonight to lay some flowers. We are so blessed that you were and are our Dad and Husband. We were chatting about how much our lives have changed since you've been gone. Things are definately not the same. But we are ok. We love you so much. We love Heavenly Father too and are grateful for the redeeming grace of his Son. We will be together again and we can't wait to see you. We have a lot of catching up to do.. see you in my dreams

Thursday, September 15, 2011


I miss your hugs, your snuggles, your wiskers, your moodiness, your hands, your scar on your forehead, your feet, your smell, your way of thinking, your belly, your eyebrows, your neck, your bald spot, your face, your eyes, your smile, your eyes, your snores... come back to me

Sunday, September 11, 2011

dying is dumb

I was talking to one of my fellow widows the other day and she told me she thinks dying is dumb. I couldn't agree more, dying is dumb.

My husband passed away almost two years ago and now I pretty much hate my life since he died. I wish I didn't, I really do, but the fact remains, I hate my life. Not that my life was perfect before he died, it wasn't, but it was better than it is now. We had been married just under 17 years and had dated for a year before that, so we're talking 18 years together. Not to mention that we met in 8th grade. I pretty much have known him my whole life. And now? He's gone. Just like that. I went to work one morning and when I got home he was dead. Just like that. No warning. He wasn't sick. Just some freak accident and my life is left in ruins. No special goodbye, nothing. Just me trying to pick up the pieces of my shattered existance. Did I mention I have three kids? Yep, I do. Three. At the time he died, my oldest son was 16, my next son was 13 and my daughter was 10. Single motherhood, here I come. Yay me, not.

Since then, my oldest son, when he was just 17, got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant. (The baby has been born and has been adopted by a wonderful young couple unable to have their own kids), I quit my job, started college, got a stake calling, got a new job, sent my oldest off to college and now I just found out I might lose my job. Yay me, not.

I really kinda hate my life